Mr. A. Ward - Dear Sir: Well, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon
Wheeler, and I inquired after your friend Leonidas W. Greeley, as you requested
me to do, and I hereunto append the result. If you can get any information
out of it you are cordially welcome to it. I have a lurking suspicion that
your Leonidas W. Greeley is a myth - that you never knew such a personage,
and that you only conjectured that if I asked old Wheeler about him it would
remind him of his infamous Jim Greeley, and he would go to work and
bore me - nearly to death with some infernal reminiscence of him as long
and tedious as it should be useless to me. If that was your design, Mr.
Ward, it will gratify you to know that it succeeded.
I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the barroom stove of the old dilapidated tavern in the ancient mining camp at Angel's, and I noticed that he was fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning gentleness and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance. He roused up and gave me good-day. I told him a friend of mine had commissioned me to make some inquiries about a cherished companion of his boyhood named Leonidas W. Greeley - Rev. Leonidas W. Greeley - a young minister of the Gospel, who he had heard was at one time a resident of Angel's Camp. I added that if Mr. Wheeler could tell me anything about this Rev. Leonidas W. Greeley, I would feel under many obligations to him.
Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his chair - and then sat me down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which follows this paragraph. He never smiled, he never frowned, he never changed his voice from the gentle-flowing key to which he tuned the initial sentence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm - but all through the interminable narrative there ran a vein of impressive earnestness and sincerity, which showed me plainly that so far from his imagining that there was anything ridiculous or funny about his story, he regarded it as a really important matter, and admired its two heroes as men of transcendent genius in finesse. To me, the spectacle of a man drifting serenely along through such a queer yarn without ever smiling was exquisitely absurd. As I said before, I asked him to tell me what he knew of Rev. Leonidas W. Greeley, and he replied as follows. I let him go on in his own way, and never interrupted him once:
There was a feller here once by the name of Jim Greeley, in the winter of '49 - or maybe it was the spring of '50 - I don't recollect exactly, some how, though what makes me think it was one or the other is because I remember the big flume wasn't finished when he first come to the camp; but anyway, he was the curiosest man about always betting on anything that turned up you ever see, if he could get anybody to bet on the other side, and if he couldn't he'd change sides - any way that suited the other man would suit him - any way just so's he got a bet, he was satisfied. But still, he was lucky - uncommon lucky; he most always come out winner. He was always ready and laying for a chance; there couldn't be no solitry thing mentioned but that feller'd offer to bet on it - and take any side you please, as I was just telling you: if there was a horse race, you'd find him flush or you'd find him busted at the end of it; if there was a dog-fight, he'd bet on it; if there was a cat-fight, held bet on it; if there was a chicken-fight, he'd bet on it; why if there was two birds sitting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first - or if there was a camp-meeting he would be there regular to bet on Parson Walker, which he judged to be the best exhorter about here, and so he was, too, and a good man; if he even see a straddle-bug start to go any wheres, he would bet you how long it would take him to got wherever he was going to, and if you took him up he would foller that straddle-bug to Mexico but what he would find out where he was bound for and how long he was on the road. Lots of the boys here has seen that Greeley and can tell you about him. Why, it never made no difference to him - he would bet on anything - the dangdest feller. Parson Walker's wife laid very sick, once, for a good while, and it seemed as if they warn't going to save her; but one morning he come in and Greeley asked how she was, and he said she was considerable better - thank the Lord for his inf'nit mercy - and coming on so smart that with the blessing of Providence she'd get well yet - and Greeley, before he thought, says:
Well, I'll resk two-and-a-half that she don't, anyway."
Thish-yer Greeley had a mare - the boys called her the fifteen-minute nag, but that was only in fun, you know, because, of course, she was faster than that - and he used to win money on that horse, for all she was so slow and always had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, or something of that kind. They used to give her two or three hundred yards I start, and then pass her under way; but always at the fag-end of the race she'd get excited and desperate like, and come cavorting and spraddling up, and scattering her legs around limber, sometimes in the air, and sometimes out to one side amongst the fences, and kicking up m-o-r-e dust, and raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing and sneezing and blowing her nose - and always fetch up at the stand just about a neck ahead, as near as you could cipher it down.
And he had a little small bull pup, that to look at him you'd think he warn't worth a cent, but to set around and look onery, and lay for a chance to steal something. But as soon as money was up on him he was a different dog - his underjaw'd begin to stick out like the forecastle of a steamboat, and his teeth would uncover, and shine savage like the furnaces. And a dog might tackle him, and bully-rag him, and bite him, and throw him over his shoulder two or three times, and Andrew Jackson - which was the name of the pup - Andrew Jackson would never let on but what he was satisfied, and hadn't expected nothing else - and the bets being doubled and doubled on the other side all the time, till the money was all up - and then all of a sudden he would grab that other dog just by the joint of his hind leg and freeze to it - not chaw, you understand, but only just grip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge, if it was a year. Greeley always came out winner on that pup till he harnessed a dog once that didn't have no hind legs, because they'd been sawed off in a circular saw, and when the thing had gone along far enough, and the money was all up, and he come to make a snatch for his pet holt, he saw in a minute how he'd been imposed on, and how the other dog had him in the door, so to speak, and he 'peared surprised, and then he looked sorter discouraged like, and didn't try no more to win the fight, and so he got shucked out bad. He give Greeley a look as much as to say his heart was broke, and it was his fault, for putting up a dog that hadn't no hind legs for him to take holt of, which was his main dependence in a fight, and then he limped off a piece, and laid down and died. It was a good pup, was that Andrew Jackson, and would have made a name for hisself if he'd lived, for the stuff was in him, and he had genius - I know it, because he hadn't had no opportunities to speak of, and it don't stand to reason that a dog could make such a fight as he could under them circumstances, if he hadn't no talent. It always makes me feel sorry when I think of that last fight of his'n, and the way it turned out.
Well, thish-yer Greeley had rat-tarriers and chicken cocks, and tomcats, and all them kind of things, till you couldn't rest, and you couldn't fetch nothing for him to bet on but he'd match you. He ketched a frog one day and took him home and said he cal'lated to educate him; and so he never done nothing for three months but set in his back yard and learn that frog to jump. And you bet he did learn him, too. He'd give him a little punch behind, and the next minute you'd see that frog whirling in the air like a doughnut - see him turn one summerset, or maybe a couple, if he got a good start, and come down flat-footed and all right, like a cat. He got him up so in the matter of catching flies, and kept him in practice so constant, that he'd nail a fly every time as far as he could see him. Greeley said all a frog wanted was education, and he could do most anything - and I believe him. Why, I've seen him set Dan'l Webster down here on this floor - Dan'l Webster was the name of the frog - and sing out, "Flies! Dan'l, flies," and quicker'n you could winks he'd spring straight up, and snake a fly off'n the counter there, and flop down on the floor again as solid as a gob of mud, and fall to scratching the side of his head with his hind foot as indifferent as if he hadn't no idea he'd done any more'n any frog might do. You never see a frog so modest and straightfor'ard as he was, for all he was so gifted. And when it come to fair-and-square jumping on a dead level, he could get over more ground at one straddle than any animal of his breed you ever see. Jumping on a dead level was his strong suit, you understand, and when it come to that, Greeley would ante up money on him as long as he had a red. Greeley was monstrous proud of his frog, and well he might be, for fellers that had travelled and been everywheres, all said he laid over any frog that ever they see.
Well, Greeley kept the beast in a little lattice box, and he used to fetch him down town sometimes and lay for a bet. One day a feller - a stranger in the camp, he was - come across him with his box, and says:
"What might it be that you've got in the box?"
And Greeley says, sorter indifferent like, "It might be a parrot,
or it might be a canary, maybe, but it ain't - it's only just a frog."
And the feller took it, and looked at it careful, and turned it round this way and that, and says, 'H'm - so 'tis. Well, what's he good for?"
"Well," Greeley says, easy and careless, "he's good enough for one thing I should judge - he can out-jump ary frog in Calaveras county."
The feller took the box again, and took another long, particular look,
and give it back to Greeley and says, very deliberate, "Well - I don't
see no points about that frog that's any better'n any other frog."
"Maybe you don't," Greeley says. "Maybe you understand frogs, and maybe you don't understand 'em; maybe you've had experience, and maybe you ain't only a amature, as it were. Anyways, I've got my opinion, and I'll resk forty dollars that he can outjump ary frog in Calaveras county."
And the feller studied a minute, and then says, kinder sad, like, "Well
- I'm only a stranger here, and I ain't got no frog - but if I had a frog
I'd bet you."
And then Greeley says, "That's all right - that's all right - if you'll hold my box a minute I'll go and get you a frog;" and so the feller took the box, and put up his forty dollars along with Greeley's, and set down to wait.
So he set there a good while thinking and thinking to hisself, and then he got the frog out and prized his mouth open and took a teaspoon and filled him full of quail-shot - filled him pretty near up to his chin - and set him on the floor. Greeley he went to the swamp and slopped around in the mud f or a long time, and finally he ketched a frog and fetched him in and give him to this feller and says:
"Now if you're ready, set him alongside of Dan'l, with his fore-paws
just even with Dan'l's, and I'll give the word." Then he says, "one
- two - three - jump!" and him and the feller touched up the frogs
from behind, and the new frog hopped off, but Dan'l give a heave, and hysted
up his shoulders - so - like a Frenchman, but it wa'nt no use - he couldn't
budge; he was planted as solid as an anvil, and he couldn't - no more stir
than if he was anchored out. Greeley was a good deal surprised, and he was
disgusted, too, but he didn't have no idea what the matter was, of course.
The feller took the money and started away, and when he was going out at
the door he sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulder - this way - at Dan'l,
and says again, very deliberate: "Well - I don't see no points about
that frog that's any better'n any other frog."
Greeley he stood scratching his head and looking down at Dan'l a long time, and at last he says, "I do wonder what in the nation that frog throw'd off for - I wonder if there ain't something the matter with him - he 'pears to look mighty baggy, somehow," and he ketched Dan'l by the nap of the neck, and lifted him up and says, "Why blame my cats if he don't weigh five pound," and turned him upside down, and he belched out about a double-handful of shot. And then he see how it was, and he was the maddest man - he set the frog down and took out after that feller, but he never ketched him. And -
(Here Simon Wheeler heard his name called from the frontyard, and got up
to see what was wanted.) And turning to me as he moved away, he said: "Just
set where you are, stranger, and rest easy - I ain't going to be gone a
But by your leave, I did not think that a continuation of the history of the enterprising vagabond Jim Greeley would be likely to afford me much information concerning the Rev. Leonidas W. Greeley, and so I started away.
At the door I met the sociable Wheeler returning, and he buttonholed me and recommenced:
"Well, thish-yer Greeley had a yaller one-eyed cow that didn't have no tail only just a short stump like a bannanner, and - "
" O, curse Greeley and his afflicted cow! " I muttered, good-naturedly, and bidding the old gentleman good-day, I departed.
[text from Mark Twain's San Francisco, Bernard Taper]