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Directory of Mark Twain's maxims, quotations, and various opinions:

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CANNIBALS

I regard the poor man, in his present condition, as so much wasted raw material. Cut up and properly canned, he might be made useful to fatten the natives of the cannibal islands and to improve our export trade in that region. I shall recommend legislation upon the subject in my first message. My campaign cry will be: "Dessicate the poor working-man; stuff him into sausages."
- "Mark Twain as a Presidential Candidate," New York Evening Post, June 9, 1879

Foreigners cannot enjoy our food, I suppose, any more than we can enjoy theirs. It is not strange; for tastes are made, not born. I might glorify my bill of fare until I was tired; but afer all, the Scotchman would shake his head, and say, "Where's your haggis?" and the Fijan would sigh and say, "Where's your missionary?"
- A Tramp Abroad

Dwig postcard
"Dwig" postcard from the
Dave Thomson collection

Her oldest child, Maria, married a missionary and died in grace et up by the savages. They et him, too, poor feller biled him. It warn's the custom, so they say, but they explained to friends of his'n that went down there to bring away his things, that they'd tried missionaries every other way and never could get any good out of 'em and so it annoyed all his relations to find out that that man's life was fooled away just out of a dern'd experiment, so to speak.
- Roughing It

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