"WESTWARD THE STAR OF EMPIRE TAKES ITS WAY"
We take pleasure in announcing to our readers that we have secured the services of the eminent Smith B. Jones, Esq., whose arrival by the last steamer has already been announced, and who will henceforth contribute weekly to our columns.
Mr. Jones needs no introduction from us. His brilliant effusions have charmed the literati of both Europe and America, and are familiar to all. Although the literary services of Mr. Jones have been procured by us only at a large pecuniary outlay - as will be seen by the subjoined correspondence - yet we heartily congratulate ourselves as well as our readers on the acquisition of our new contributor.
On Tuesday last, we addressed Mr. Jones the following note:
Editorial Rooms Golden Era,Smith Brown Jones, Esq., Consequental Hotel. Dear Sir: - Seeing your name in the list of arrivals by the steamship Sacramento, we take the liberty of addressing you at this early moment, to secure, if possible, the productions of your pen for the columns of the Era.
San Francisco, June 27th, 1865.
Pardon us for the business tenor of this note, and for any seeming intrusion upon your privacy. We are aware that the immense literary labors to which you have been subjected for years past have somewhat impaired your health, and that you have come to our golden shores to seek, in quiet and retirement, that rest so much needed; but our standing as the first literary paper of the Pacific coast - if not of the world - demands of us that we should not allow the opportunity to pass unheeded.
What we ask is but a mere dash of your pen. Our readers will be grateful for a weekly contribution - half a column or more in length - to suit your own convenience of course - and for which we will be glad to pay you at the rate of two hundred and fifty dollars per week.
We hope other engagements will not preclude your acceptance of our offer. Should our terms not meet your approval, please bind yourself to no periodical until we have had an interview.Very Respectfully,
Editors Golden Era.
In reply, we received the following somewhat incomprehensible production, which, however, we place before our readers, conscious that what flows from the pen of the gifted Jones - however erratic - must be esteemed as beyond price.
San Francisco, June 28th, 1865.
Editors Golden Era - Gentlemen: In reply to your kind and flattering note, allow me to say at once that I accept your offer of the Senatorship. I do it advisedly, and without fear of contradiction.
Hon. John C_____s says, "close at once with them!" John is a friend of mine - came out on the steamer - and, as I before remarked, advised me to appoint you next Senator - no - I mean you remarked me to advise you to appoint him in succession to Senator to be me. I am afraid that is not quite clear. The fact is, I'm laboring under a slight indisposition, arising from change of water, I presume, although I've taken but very little. It's funny about that water. I felt the change before we got in sight of the Heads. C_____s affects me in the same way, too. I mean, he affects the water in the same way. No, that's not it, either. What I mean to say is, the water affects him. I know it does. Said he, with tears in his eyes, "Jones, I love you. You are the apple of my eye - may we always be friends! Jones, vote for me!"
I assured him I would - that I always had from infancy. Shook my hand affectionately and asked me to go below. Immediately descended to his state room, in second cabin, and took a glass of lemonade at my expense. Talked of old times - of our adventures on the voyage - last day board ship - grew convivial, and took a glass of lemonade for which I paid. Said he was our only sober Senator, and sent for some lemonade - kindly allowed me to pay for it. Went on deck. John said, "There Jones! Can you see the Heads?"
Felt annoyed - thought John was too familiar - was indignant - rebuked him. "Lemonade doesn't affect me in that way, of course I can see ahead!"
Think that went home. John smiled sarcastic - said, "Don't mean can you see ahead, - but can you see the Heads?"
Told him "couldn't see anything else unless I stood on tip-toe, or went on upper deck" - which Cap'n didn't allow to second-class passengers.
Saw at once lemonade affected my friend - laughed immoderately - said I had made a joke. Abjured me above all things to vote for him. Called my attention to Lime Point. Said he was concerned in the swindle - or at least he thought 'twas him. Said United States wanted to buy Lime Point - owners anxious to sell - in fact very anxious to sell - big price - big thing - pulled wool over U.S. - U.S. agreed to buy. Then he and Broderick - but especially he - thought so at least - stepped in - advised U.S. not to buy - stood by U.S. like a brother. U.S. backed out - didn't buy - saved millions - didn't make a cent out of himself - didn't, 'pon his word.
Asked me if I saw Meiggs' wharf on right - Meiggs his friend, but unfortunate. Said that was Alcatraz on my left. Immediately turned to gentleman on my left - Mr. Alcatraz - was happy to meet him - sorry friend John hadn't introduced him before. Think gentleman on left had a pain in stomach. Said intoxicated beast made him sick. Looked for intoxicated beast - didn't see him - saw John - John looked silly - asked me if I was sick, and if I didn't want to go ashore - said he'd introduce Gov. Low to me - Gov. was friend of his - anxious to see him - I could vote for him, but he was tricky. Thought we'd better take a hack and he could dumfoozle Gov. every time.
Called hack. Hack said twenty dollars. Told him I'd see him first! John said to hush - said he'd make contract with hack - was great on contracts. Then we made contract. Hack said where did he want to go. Told him yes, we would, and how did he know it? Man said we would take him, ten dollars and the Russ House to us for three trunks - best carriage in State - both white - had preference for fast carriages that were white - always drove 'em.
Told man ten horses too much, would he give us fifteen. Man with carriage impertinent. Think man intoxicated. Said he was no member of Congress, and had no poor relations. Know man was intoxicated. Tried to be funny - said I was drunk. John asked him to sing - carriage and I was to come in heavy on the chorus. Man failed to come to time. Said he couldn't sing except on flute. All of him laughed - thought he was funny carriage - fact was, all six of him too drunk.
John said 'twas time to go home - but would have one more game - ten cent ante and his deal. Low's chance wasn't worth a copper - he'd taken his straight. Also said he was sick - wished he hadn't come, and asked policeman if he was on it and to beware of bowl - intoxication was best policy, and he'd been a missionary once himself. Policeman very attentive. John wanted policeman to sing. Had great difficulty in getting policeman in carriage. John felt bad - wanted to know where Gov. Low was - said policeman was dearest friend - gave policeman his spectacles. Began to think John was 'toxicated. Said never min' ole boy - may be happy yet. Wanted to know if Russ Hotel dead-headed me - didn't cost him cent - asked policeman to dine with him. Said if I paid, I'd better go to Consequental Hotel - chock up house - and pay greenbacks. Said he was glad the war was over and would call policeman Gen. McDowell and was glad to see him.
Gen. McDowell - I mean policeman - borrowed two and half of me and said I was all right, Think he had been drinking some, but apologised to him. Consequental House arrived - said good-bye to John - John wept bitterly, and I am here, some sickly, butTruly Yours,
S. B. Jones